What people think about Football in India.

I owned a Sony PlayStationPortable.

Before I figured out how I could save money by rooting my PSP and run hacked games from the internet, I,(just like any other kid would), requested my parents to buy me games.

After a few days, I landed in a cool store and picked the only game I knew existed -

FIFA 2008 African World cup edition.

Went back home and run the CD on my PSP.

Completed the generic startup on the game, I decided (after all practice sessions) to play a 15 min match.

Now here it comes,

I have to select a team. Now suddenly a patriot in me rises and forces me to play India.

All the countries are given game points out of 100, Spain at 94, Argentina at 96, England at 87....and India at 49. I assume the FIFA research team took considerable time to research Indian footballers and ended up giving 49 points, just for having legs.

I decided to play. The game started.

(here I take you inside the simulated version of the game)

India plays football for the first time. And wow! it is in India. A historical moment, holidays to all schools and colleges, all roads look empty because everyone is waiting to watch the game. Posters stuck on every blank space, ads feature players, people perform all types of rituals, visit temples, pray to every god that comes to their mind, asking for victory, the national victory.

Now we have the Indian team enter a stadium.

I selected Nigeria to be the opponent team so we could be "racist" for once.

The Indian team enters 4 hours before the game and the Indian crowd cheers for the home team playing their first ever international game. The coach decides to play cricket for warm up, just like how cricketers play football before a match. (Yes, this is a joke and I want to hear you laugh)

Now its time for the game to start and so finally wow! Its time for the national anthem of Nigeria.

Players and the coach start laughing at the funny tone of the Africans and at the end they say "no offense man, couldn't calm it", and they be like, "yeah man, its okay, have seen much worse reactions"

Now its time for the Indian National anthem, and it ends with pride and patriotism. Suddenly the camera focus shifts from the proud tears of an old woman to an angry mob in the audience beating the shit out of a man who didn't stand up during the anthem. Cops settle things down. The man is taken to an ambulance.

Now to cheer up the devastating atmosphere, AR Rahman pics the mic and starts singing the theme song made specially for the game (Jai ho!Jai ho! or something similar). Bhakti fills in every sports fan as Rahman has rendered his rendition seducing the crowd like the climax of chak de india. Everybodu has exactly 1.72 milligrams of tears in each eye and a fragile smile on the face. 

Now the Nigerians be like, "Hei nigge, why donn we start the game naow" and the event organizer is like,"Please wait Mr. Kanye West, we have interesting programs lined up for you, hope you enjoy" and the Nigs be like,"But we came here to play football right bros"(rhetoric question to which nobody gives a fuck).

The lighting of the lamp ceremony is held in the middle of the stadium and, one by one, The President, his wife, children, light the lamp.

 Later a few students from the nearby Kendriya Vidyalaya are made to perform Bharatanatyam dance to symbolize Indian culture.

(!Political offense alert!)

Rahul Gandhi also spots in the crowd wearing Chennai Super Kings jersey, wondering,"arey bhai, run rate kya hai. Damn it maa, yesterday night I woke up in the morning to watch this match?". Modi ji also is somewhere on the podium drinking chai, reading pappu jokes, forwarding it to his friends and enjoying the atmosphere.

The referee enters the field and searches for a coin to toss. After borrowing it from the audience (because no budget from government for football), he decides to flip it. India calls and wins the toss! The crowd cheers. Players start celebrating and firecrackers burst outside the stadium. Yasss! we won the toss. We are just so close to winning the world cup!! yeah!!

Now the players are seen busy calling up the guy who promised to bring the ball. The one who never turns up on time.The Nigs are so bored now, they start playing 'antakshari' with the cheerleaders.

The tired Nigerian ask for water. Kaveri River riots start outside the stadium. Cops handle it.

The guy brings the ball and India kicks off! (finally).

Nigerians, use all the tactics they can and try to score a goal. They succeed. Little did they know that they dug up their own grave. They offended "1.324" billion people.

So, Indians are now offended. Indian Footballers start playing American Football, (Rugby).

They get physical, slide tackle everyone in their path, headbutt, abuse slang etc..

One well built Nigerian defender also takes on a Punjabi on the field and the WWE captures the brawl for putting up on tonight's wrestling match.

India starts scoring goals and the ball boys throw in more footballs into the ground.

There is ruckus all around, within a few minutes, the football match turned into Olympics where players play wrestling, long jump, relay etc and wait what is that? sex on the stadium? never-mind. A player even tried snatching a rod from the corner to earn a record in the Javelin throw.The crowd starts cheering India! India!. The match's theme song is still playing in the background.

 The Nigerian goalkeeper runs away. The Nigerian coach is taken to a nearby hospital to cure his not so obvious cardiac arrest.

The foreign referee shows a red card to himself and leaves the place immediately.

The match is abandoned by the International Court Of Justice and the players leave the ground in pride. The same night Arnab Goswami debates #IsIndiaReadyForFootballOnMarsYet.

(PSP battery drained by the energy consumed in sarcasm)

Overall the gaming experience with India was fun. It may never happen in real life, but after almost 6 hrs of game-play, I must say that it was fun watching our boys compete with the one of the so many best in the International Stage. More than anything else, it was fun to watch our men in blue walk onto the world stage..... wearing shoes atleast.

- Govardhan